At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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