Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize