dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
