Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
