Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
