i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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