Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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