Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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