Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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