I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
