just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How does it feel to date your dad?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
