I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
