I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
