Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize