I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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