i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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