Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
