He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I need to sanitize my soul.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
