dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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