So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
