i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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