I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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