Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
