I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
