You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
