Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
