Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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