Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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