yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
