More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
