the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
