I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Found the puke drawer
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
