So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
