and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
