Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
