I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
