I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You dont lie about slip and slides
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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