im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
