So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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