He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
