Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
