I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
