there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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