chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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