Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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