So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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