I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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