Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
