And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
