The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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