woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
