the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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