I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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