ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
