My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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