she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
