i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize