Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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