Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
