If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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