I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
