My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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