My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
