Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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