Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
