Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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