I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
